I’m not sure what I would say to you. Not sure where I would start. Maybe I would start at the beginning, though i’m not sure if that would be relevant.
Maybe I would start by telling you that I hate you, though not knowing if I really should hate you. I would tell you that in the back of my mind was a little voice telling me it was my fault, my fault for allowing it to happen.
I would tell you that I’ve listened to that stupid little voice for the last time, that it was, in actual fact, your fault.
I would tell you that I hate what you did, that you had to have your way….as you always do.
Perhaps I would tell you how much I hate that you try to mould everything to suit you, that you must always be right and everyone must do and say exactly what you want to hear or see.
I would tell you that I hate how you need to be in the sphere of attention at all times, from one person or another. Happily disregarding one so long as you have the other, and seeking company and consolation when you don’t.
I would tell you that I don’t know who you are, that I have come to learn things about you, but am still no closer to discovering you.
I hate that that is your intention.
I would tell you that you don’t know who you are. That you are too scared to figure it out because that would require you accepting that you don’t in fact know who you are and are perhaps afraid of what you might discover.
I would tell you that I detest how you simply avoid the issue and that I fear for you because of it.
I would tell you that i’m sorry. That I am sorry for hating you and for hating these things about you. That I am sorry that I hate myself for hating you. I would let you know that I am sorry to myself for ever having feelings for you. That I’m sorry for not having the sense to walk away sooner from you and your selfish ways.
I would tell you that I hate myself for still, in the back of my mind, feeling for you, lusting for you.
I would tell you that I love your smile, that I wish I could see it more often and wish, at the same time, that I never had to see it again.
I would tell you that your laugh is a rare jewel, splendid and captivating, though seen all to seldom and I wish I could hear it more often.
I might tell you how gorgeous you smell, and how if I ever smell anything similar, I look about half hoping to see you.
I might tell you that you have eyes so beautiful, that when I gaze into their depths I never want to look away.
I might also tell you that I hate your hands for being so soft, and that how when you touch me, I wish you would never let go.
I would tell you that now it is too late. What could have been, will never be. That which you want from me, whatever it may be, will never be given. I would tell you that you do not deserve it.
What I gave, you squandered, and I will give no more.
Though there were others before you and others after you, I would tell you that you changed me. I would say that I wished you hadn’t, but that i’m simultaneously glad that you did. I would tell you that you made me stronger. I might tell you that I hate you for it. Perhaps telling you that because in doing so, you made me heartless.
I would let you know that seeing you makes me smile. That that smile in turn reminds me of all that has transpired. I would explain how the smile fades as the memory causes me to turn away.
I would tell you how I long to kiss and hold you in a lovers embrace. Then I would tell you how meaningless and void of feeling I think it would be.
I would think to tell you that you will be lonely, that you will, as you did to me, push everyone away.
I would tell you that your selfishness is poisonous and that you know it to be true. I would explain how I know this, having suffered through my own poison.
I would hope that you didn’t end up the same.
I could tell you that I wish it had all been different, hoping that I might of been able to help you.
I would tell you though that i’m glad it wasn’t, that it would have been a mistake. My reason would be that you are not deserving of me. I would apologise that I thought that of you, but I would tell you that it was true.
I would say one last thing as I turned to walk out of your life forever…