It has happened to us all, some of us ( yes, myself included ) more than once. We’ve all experienced that sinking feeling, that dread, as we desperately search or bags or pockets for that which we know is not there….the house keys. ( cue the half sigh half laugh as you remember when it happened to you )
The one question that simply must be asked is: why is it that you realize you’ve locked your keys in the house at the exact moment the lock clicks behind you? It is as though, in that click, you hear life and the lock laughing at you ” Ha ha you just locked yourself out. ” In that whiny, childish mocking voice.
In that moment you cringe, tensing up as you close your eyes, fishing through your pockets, praying that it is not true. Then it dawns on you….it is true. You are an idiot!
It is hereafter that you go through the three stages of being locked out:
Stage 1: Desperation
We frantically search for a window that we might have forgotten to close or left slightly open. Desperately tugging at any opening that we manage to squeeze our fingertips into. We climb fences, walk over the roof to jump into the backyard in search of that one window. That one loose window that you always thought would be so easily opened, which is now, when you were really depending on it’s weakness, is completely and absolutely shut tight! It is like a figurative slap in the face, before you literally give yourself a slap in the face for being so daft.
A desperation so intense that it leads you to even try the door, pushing it as though it will just say “okay” and open up for you. Trying saying ” open sesame ” while you are at it.
Our futile attempts and failure thereby lead us into stage 2…
Stage 2: Anger
Anger at everyone and everything. Remember that window? Yep, you get angry at that notoriously unreliable lock on that window, which has now decided, for some fucking reason… to be reliable, when you most need it to be… unreliable…. How unreliable!! Fucking window!
You get angry at whoever that person is that you were supposed to meet, because if they had not decided to meet up, you would not have left the house…and would not, as you are currently, be locked out.
Angry at your boss for giving you an early shift. If you weren’t still half asleep, you wouldn’t have forgotten your head in bed, and the keys in the house!
Then you will be angry that no one thought about putting a spare somewhere in case of a situation such as this…. because it is not at all dangerous to leave a spare key lying around in this day and age. Not dangerous at all. ( please read sarcasm here, because if you are not….I worry for you. )
We shed the blame on everyone and everything but ourselves, because that would require us to admit that we are, to put it quite simply; a dumb-ass.
Which leads us finally to stage 3….
Stage 3: Acceptance
Finally, after much cursing and sweating, you have to accept that you do not have a hope in hell of getting into your house. Accept that your house, in the very moment that you closed that door, became Fort Knox and short of strapping explosives to the door and blowing it off it’s hinges, you have no way to get back in.
You accept that you actually have no reasonable grounds for blaming anyone or anything but yourself for this awful predicament.
You accept the simple fact…..You are truly, an idiot of epic proportions!